THE VIEW FROM HERESUPPOSE you’re doing one of those word-association tests and you’re presented with "The Empire". What do you think of?
Yes, that’s right. Schoolchildren sitting at their desks gazing in awe at a map of the world, where British imperialism once spread its mighty red glow across every continent.
Vice-regal splendour, our chaps sorting out the natives, ostrich plumes, tiffin on the veranda, punkah wallahs and mosquito nets and mission schools — oh, really, I can’t go on or I shall cry.
It must have been so lovely, the British flag fluttering across the world, a flag upon which the sun never set, vast territories forever remembered in the stirring words of Sir Henry Ward as "the most magnificent empire the world ever saw".
Excuse me while I fan myself with a palm leaf. There, that’s better. I should have liked a little black boy in a loin cloth to do it for me but those days are long gone. Still, we can dream of past glories, can’t we?
And here on the Island the spirit of Her Imperial Majesty Queen Victoria lives on. Just visit Osborne House and stiffen up the sinews as you breathe in the ghostly aura of the last Empress of India and reflect what an honour it once was to be born British.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if there were somebody who could revive the empire spirit and take us back to those days of imperial splendour? Somebody to lift us out of the mire of tawdry kitsch that is Britain today, who could make a brigadier’s moustache bristle with pride, restore crinoline dignity to the ladies and show the world we are still capable of imperial superiority.
And, why, bless my soul, here’s the very person! Look, it’s Mary Portas, the bossy woman with the orange hair who stomps around our high streets shouting at everybody. Now she’s explaining how she intends to put the pride back into Britain.
"I’m extremely patriotic," she says. That’s good, Mary. Just what we want. How are you on colonial matters? "I believe we can build a serious empire here."
A serious empire! Well, that’s absolutely marvellous. Quick, tell us about your new idea. Is it sola topis? Are you going to be governor-general of Tuvalu?
"Should we compete with sweatshops who can make knickers more cheaply?" is the baffling response. I’m sorry, Mary? Why are we discussing knickers? We’ve got a serious empire to build, you know.
"That’s not what we should do morally as a nation," she continues. Fine words, Mary, but I hope you’re not still talking about knickers.
The morals of the nation mean Kipling and Baden-Powell and keeping the sepoys in order, not skimpy bits of lace.
Alas, Mary hasn’t grasped the idea of British imperialism at all. It seems her "serious empire" consists of her new range of "Kinky Knickers", which are to be launched next month on Channel 4.
That’s right. Kinky knickers.
Oh, Mary, you’ve let us down very badly. Did Britannia rule the waves in kinky knickers? Would Queen Victoria have won the hearts of her loyal subjects across the globe if she’d been wearing kinky knickers?
But I suppose you’ll get your way, because you’re so bossy. Next thing we know you’ll be sweeping into Osborne House gift shop, clearing the shelves of past-times nostalgia and stacking up your silly tee-hee products.
OK, go ahead. But just remember, we’d have never got our hands on Tanganyika if Dr Livingstone had been sporting kinky knickers.
Don’t ignore the Island’s aesthetics in the rush to promote economics
Investors in Britain’s energy infrastructure are getting jittery. There are signs the government’s enthusiasm for wind farms may be waning, particularly after more than 100 Tory MPs signed a letter attacking current policies on such schemes.With billions of pounds on hold until the situation is clarified, investment holders are fighting back.
Matthew Clayton, of Triodos Investment Management, is concerned about "the level of understanding of MPs who are running the country". He compares the rising price of oil and gas to the fact that "wind, once installed, provides almost free electricity.
"I don’t really think this is about economics. It is largely about the aesthetics of wind and its impact on the countryside. We need to have a more honest debate about this".
Fair enough. But somebody who thinks aesthetics are just as important as cost considerations doesn’t necessarily have a low level of understanding.
We live in an increasingly ugly world and the Island is already less beautiful than it once was. Solar energy panels are rapidly ruining our buildings. If we also ruin the countryside, we might as well be soulless automatons in our brave new world, no matter how cheap our bills may be.